Violence-Free Living

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Integrity Rule 3: I search for truth and align with it.  This is a basic concept. People with integrity want to know what the truth is, and they actively seek it. For example, let’s say someone reading this book didn’t realize that it is dishonest to promise to be somewhere and then not show up. He or she doesn’t understand how that act could affect someone. After reading the above section, however, this person may set a goal not to do this anymore now that they understand the impact their actions have on others. They might make mistakes trying to live up to the new standard. That’s okay. The important part is that they are trying to change.

Intimacy 5: Cognitive  When two people share mutual interests, hobbies, and goals, they begin to share an intellectual form of intimacy.  Most people love to share their interests and hobbies with others. When it happens in a relationship, it can be even more exciting. Cognitive intimacy involves a level of thinking where two people converse deeply over a common interest. Such couples discover that they can talk for hours and hours without getting bored.

Intimacy 4: Psychological  This form of intimacy involves deep trust. Couples who share psychological intimacy simply know that they can trust each other. They never doubt whether personal or confidential information will be shared outside of the relationship. They also consult with one another about problems they may experience in other areas of life. They know that their partner will turn to them when in need rather than turning to someone else. This is one of the foundation stones of a healthy relationship.

Intimacy 3: Spiritual  Sharing personal beliefs in a God can have a very powerful effect on a relationship. Many people believe in a higher being. When a couple can share their thoughts and feelings on a religious nature with each other, a spiritual form of intimacy is created. Couples often do this when they pray, read religious books, attend meetings, and/or share personal experiences. (Unfortunately, some of us mistakenly believe that if we have had a spiritual experience with someone then it means we should marry them.)

Intimacy 2: Emotional  When two people can share emotional intimacy in their relationship, they don’t feel like they have to hide their feelings from each other. The couple has created a safe environment between them where they can share the most common emotions (enjoyment, love, sadness, shame, fear). When couples are comfortable sharing deep emotions with each other, they have developed emotional intimacy. This is often the solidifying bond in their relationship.

Commandment 9: Be Patient  Do not expect an instant bond. Initially, you may experience growing pains when you bring two families together. It takes time to establish boundaries, rules, and roles. Realize that there will be times when you’ll be highly frustrated. In most situations, if you are consistent and continue to make adaptations, the children will respond favorably. They will realize this marriage is for real.  If you are consistent and continue to make adaptations, the children will respond favorably.                            

Commandment 10: Maintain Appropriate Marital Boundaries  In every remarriage situation, it’s critical that the two partners maintain their personal boundaries. As you create new interactions it’s easy to fall back into old patterns. You may find yourself sharing information and frustrations with your children. They may form ideas or beliefs that can hurt your new marriage. Make sure that you maintain healthy boundaries between you, your new partner and your children.

Commandment 7: Do Not Expect Instant Love  Children are slower to trust after a divorce. Most researchers suggest that a stepparent’s initial role with the child should be as a friend. As trust and acceptance is gained, the role of the stepparent can change. The biological parent should handle most of the discipline.                                                     

Commandment 8: Do Not Take All the Responsibility  As the stepparent, you can easily get caught up trying to fix everything. Remember, your stepchild is still dealing with a destroyed marriage. They may not want to develop a relationship with you—at least not at the moment. Let the child do some of the work to maintain the relationship. Be consistent and loving and allow the child to engage in the relationship.

Commandment 5: Expect Ambivalence  Some children feel like they’re betraying their biological parent if they treat a stepparent well. However, they also realize that one of their parents chose to marry you. As a result, the child may feel torn between both parents. If you expect this to happen, it will be easier to prevent yourself from getting too defensive when your stepchild gives you the cold shoulder, doesn’t respond to your advice, or criticizes you.  

Commandment 6: Avoid Mealtime Misery  Common rituals can be a torment to your child. They are used to having both of their biological parents together. When a stepparent is introduced and it is mealtime, the child has a stark reminder of just how much their life has changed. The same holds true for other common rituals such as birthdays, Sunday observance, and holidays. The challenge all new families face is creating new rituals that the child can learn to enjoy. Having the child involved in new traditions can help build the bridge.

Commandment 3: Set Limits and Enforce Them  It is very important for two parents to establish the family ground rules early in the new relationship. In fact, it’s wise for couples to discuss these boundaries before the marriage occurs. As rules and consequences are discussed and followed, it becomes easier for parents and children to respond when something goes wrong.                            

Commandment 4: Allow the Children an Outlet for Feelings for the Biological Parent  Your stepchildren will always have feelings for their biological parent. To become jealous or undermine that interaction will only hurt your relationship and increase their feelings of loyalty to their natural parent.  Encourage these feelings for the biological parent.  Ask your new spouse to encourage the children to have respect for you.