Violence-Free Living

Integrity Rule 1: I am totally honest, recognizing that a lie is any communication given with the intent to deceive.  Too many people trick themselves into believing they are being honest even though they are leaving out important information in their communication. There are various reasons why someone would delete data. One of the most common reasons is to stay out of trouble. They know if the other person knew the whole truth they would be upset.  Another reason to withhold information is to avoid hurting another person’s feelings. However, what harms the relationship more than telling the truth is not telling it. Keep in mind that a person should strive to use common sense in this area.

5 Keys to A Close Relationship With Your Children  Key 1: Keep a Positive Attitude  Children are always trying to assign meaning to what is happening around them. If you stay positive, your child will pick up on your attitude. The alternative is to become negative and bitter. Your children won’t like being around you if you’re always complaining or putting down the other parent.   

Key 2: Be Open and Honest with Your Child  Many people fear that they will inadvertently give their child too much information. However, if one spouse is accusing, belittling, or creating false stories, children need to know the truth. Many people become defensive when they hear things that their ex-spouse is saying about them. The defensive posture leads children and others to assume you really are guilty. Therefore, it is always a good idea to gather as much information as you can and openly admit mistakes you made. However, you should not allow misperceptions to go unchecked. This does not mean that you call your ex-spouse a liar—you simply relay the facts in a calm, non-accusatory fashion.  Hint: One technique I use, since I am not legally allowed to discuss with my children past issues concerning my ex, is to ask them questions about what they know. This helps them sort out the answers for themselves. When people come up with an answer themselves, it has a much more powerful effect.

Overwhelmed?  Too much to do?  It’s time to slow down and rest.  Sound counter intuitive?  I agree.  But think about it, ever have a power nap that zapped you with the energy that enabled you to burst through your list of “to do’s” faster than an egg fries on hot sizzling concrete?  Amazingly, fighting through the dreariness of sleepiness can be a real battle and waste tremendous energy.   

Fight sleepiness and end up more exhausted slogging through some work, or seize a power nap for five or ten minutes and be prepared to enthusiastically tackle the daunting list down to size.  I was once told that the way us “Westerners” approach stress is so strange. We get overcome with so much to do and know that the day before us requires more than we are able to accomplish.  We “Westerners” will look at everything that we need to do and get to work cracking the whip.  We need to get a move on it even though we know that it is impossible.  The harder we work the more stressed we become.  More problems seem to grow as though we are trying to clean a lint brush by brushing the back of a cat. In other cultures when they have more to do than they can simply accomplish they look at this as a time to go into deep meditation. 

 This might seem counter intuitive—slowing down, apparently doing nothing as a strategy to accomplish tasks.  The reason for this is that when we are in a good relaxed state it becomes easier to find the information or the fastest path to completion.  At the risk of sounding Californian, this puts us in a state of flow and into abundance. If you doubt the validity of this then just put the slow down to speed up concept into action next time you feel stalled by a mountain of tasks and be prepared to see yourself propelled forward.  There is a difference between being idle and regenerating. 

When other people catch on that you want to step it up in your life, it is amazing how much unsolicited advice zooms in your direction.  This advice on where you are going in your life or where you want to go can happen even if they don’t know that you made a commitment to step it up. 

Since I am known as the Step It Up Queen I have had many people come into my life and project the expectation that I should step in up in the area or arena that they want me too.  What they don’t understand in the Step It Up Living rule that only each individual gets to decide what and where they want to step it up in.  It is fair.  After all it is your life, not your spouse’s, parent’s, child/ren’s, or business partner’s.  Granted, it is good when someone points out that you’re on a path that is going to lead where you don’t want to go.  This is completely different than someone wanting to put their beliefs and value system on you and make you fit their picture of stepping it up.

As I work with people, I have been fascinated by how many times not valuing oneself comes up as a problem that affects all areas of a person’s life.  When I was in a difficult marriage, I remember thinking that I was less than human.  I didn’t believe that I had value or even had the right to live.  Having that kind of thought process reinforced my decisions to get pregnant.  I had this belief that if I became pregnant then I would be worth something because the baby I carried would be precious and have value.  This resulted in my believing that while I was pregnant I had worth.  By the time I was pregnant with my sixth child in seven years I realized that kind of thinking had to change!

Now I amazed I ever thought that way.  When people start believing that they are of value, this oftentimes improves the relationships around them, especially with their children. 

An excellent exercise that I found to work well is:

1- Get a clean sheet of paper.

2-Draw a line down the middle.

3-Write a positive belief on the top right-hand side, such as: “I am of worth.”

4-In the left column write down every negative belief that comes up.  For example: ”No, you’re not.  You’re a liar.”

5-Once you write down all the negative beliefs go back and write the positive affirmation until you have written it twenty times.

6-After you finish the twenty, you can look at each negative belief that you have written down and come up with a specific positive belief to counter each negative statement.  If that’s too difficult, imagine that you are countering negative beliefs voiced by your child or someone you dearly love and are trying to help.  You may find it easier to think lovingly and positively about someone other than yourself.

7-Write each of those positive thoughts twenty times.

8- Work on this exercise for 10 minutes daily.

9- Continue this exercise for thirty days.

Doing this for thirty days will allow enough time for the new belief system to sink into your subconcious.  Oftentimes we get into negative belief patterns and this affects every situation we are in, sometimes more than we know.  When we learn to think about the positive and reprogram our thinking into one that will serve us, our self-esteem rises.

Way to go Judy Jackie Glass, who recently told O.J. Simpson that he wasn’t above the law!  She sent a very clear message saying, “When I tell you Mr. Simpson there are conditions and there are rules.   Anything like this happens in the future …you’ll be back locked up in Clark County Detention Center.”Judge Glass sent a very clear message that O.J. wasn’t above the law and he would, in her court, be held accountable to the consequences of his behavior.  This was a great move on Judge Glass part to end violence in our society.  The more often we can send messages to abusers that they aren’t above the law and their misbehavior will receive firm consequences the safer our society will be.

On average, abused women are returning to their abuser seven times before leaving them for good.  Why is this happening?  Many will say because the victim will not stand up for herself, or on a subconscious level, she likes being a victim.

The truth is that her community is failing her.  Many of these women are ending up homeless on the street, or having their abuser take her children from her, or have extreme religious, social and money pressures to go back and make it work.  These women don’t have a safety net they can rely on, little opportunity to earn enough to support her family, and little or no training on how to stand on her own. 

Until society stops brushing her off to the side, blaming her and becoming a community where she and her family can find redemption, the spiraling social problems that come from this will continue.

On the day of my wedding, the howling wind woke me hours before the alarm. My sleep had been restless. Kicking the blanket off, I rose to catch a glimpse of the dark sky. Taking a deep breath, I parted my drapes to admire the last sparkle of stars before the sunlight disguised them from view.

That day I was taking steps in my life’s journey that would permanently change my future. Dramatic changes were before me, and I could hardly wait to start.

Unlike many, I was not nervous on my wedding day. I had no need to be. I was marrying a man who loved me so much he couldn’t hide his desire to make me his wife. We had met at a dance a mere two and a half months earlier and fell instantly in love. We just clicked. It felt as if I had gone home, which I thought at the time was a good thing. When he proposed, I was surprised that it came so soon, but knew from his pleading eyes that to say, “No,” would crush him. I couldn’t do that to him. As I hesitated, he described what our future would be like. We would develop our art, have beautiful children who would love us, and we would be happy. I believed him. Like most people, the thought that we would divorce never crossed my mind. Our love was strong, our commitment firm. Nothing would come between us.

The statistics that one out of every two couples divorce never penetrated my thoughts that early May morning as I looked out the window at the sky, thinking about my upcoming wedding. Yet thirteen years later, I received the much anticipated phone call from my lawyer. “Congratulations, you’re officially divorced.”

After hanging up the phone, I wondered, “Now what?” What do I do since my dream has been shattered into a million pieces? How was I going to go on? What would it to take put one foot in front of the other? How would I glue myself back together so I could dream, smile, laugh, and embrace life? It seemed, at the beginning, impossible to be happy again, to feel alive, and okay.

How would I glue myself back together so I could dream, smile, laugh, and embrace life?

I’d love to hear how other were able to heal.

One of the great things about living violence free is that we can pursue and encourage others to reach there goals.  A couple of weeks ago I was giving a seminar on goals and a participate decided that she wanted to play a big game.  She wants to reach size 8 by June.  I asked her if she would be willing to do this on a public forum to TRULY hold her accountable.  She is up for it.  She will be giving progress reports so lets root on Donna!  (Her picture is coming soon so she can have total accountabilty.)  Here’s her report:

 My progress so far is that I’ve slimmed down by 8 pounds and my waist is 4 inches smaller. :)  I’m going to the gym twice a day and watching my carbs.

Donna Harris-Vazquez, Busy Bee Vitural Assistance

Anyone else want to play big send me a post and your commitments?

Lisa 

If you haven’t already seen and heard this video of Paul Potts, the Welsh singer who won the British version of America’s Got Talent this year, you’re in for a great example of the beauty and greatness that many of us have hidden inside us that is just waiting to come out.  What do think would happen if you allowed your beauty to burst forth?  Who’s lives would you bless?

Paul is a great metaphor of person who has been keeping himself back out of fear and finally took the leap.  If you leap, how will your life change?